Review of Spankenstein

Hello from the back row, where I just finished watching Spankenstein, a flick loosely based on the classic horror pic, and when I say “loosely,” I mean it resembled the original about as much as Mt Rushmore looking like the ocean.

The story involves a deranged scientist and his cute-assed assistant creating creatures from other people’s spare body parts, a process that wasn’t actually shown, thankfully. It does feature a man with hands the size of Rhode Island and bad acne in the starring role. Spankenstein appears to be programed to do one thing, (two things, if you count grunting). His paws really put the hurt on a cutie with tits as real as Spanky’s hands, but hell, her bottom was adorable, so that’s what counts. Her lines must have been easy to learn: the same ten words said over and over.

Spanky has his way with girl #1, then the movie switches to a labratory where the creator of the monster and his lovely assistant, Girl #2, catch a trespasser and give her tushie a solid what-for with hands and a leather paddle. It was all good-natured ass slapping, kind of like watching Sesame Street after the characters had some beers. The good doctor had the best job of all, directing two fine cuties whose legs made asses out themselves. No thongs stood in the way of any actress here, but I couldn’t help but want there to be something a little more, how do I say this, lively, about how the swats were delivered.

In the end, a Maytag repairman answers the 911 call and hacks off one of the hands of the monster, then goes above and beyond the call of duty in getting his facts straight, actually reenacting the spanking the monster, the doctor, the director, the stage hands, and the ticket taker all delivered on the girls. I took the trouble to actually count the number of swats delivered, and counted 15, 877 open hand smacks, 739 leather paddle blows, well over a million “stops” and at least that many “ows” in this movie. There was one severed hand, 8 blistered cheeks, (divide by 2 to get the number of butts) one destroyed dress and 3 misplaced thongs. A total of 12 tissues were used by the reviewer and almost that many ounces of lubricant.

J. D. gives this movie a “two cheeks up” rating.

Reviewed by: J. D. Fister

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